pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
