I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
