I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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