Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
