doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
