youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
