She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
