dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
