Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
