i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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