That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?