Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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