EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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