Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
