seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
