Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
