I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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