When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
