shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
