you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
