Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
