ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
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We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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