i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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