Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
