Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
