My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
