he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
