Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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