He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
