Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
