The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
