Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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