Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
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You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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