he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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