Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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