Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
