it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
