remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
