I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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