Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
