Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
