My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
