so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
