My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
