her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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