I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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