I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
