I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
