oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I think I died a long time ago.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
