I have demons in me.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
