A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
