I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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