At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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