Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
