Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
